Thrive Global: One On One With Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger
I spoke to Patti Stanger, the star and executive producer of The Millionaire Matchmaker, about her best advice
Adam: Thanks again for taking the time to share your advice. First things first, though, I am sure readers would love to learn more about you. What is something about you that would surprise people?
Patti: I am shy in social settings. I am more of an observer before I jump in and then once I feel comfortable I can become the alpha. I am definitely somebody who researches a situation first before I dip my toes in.
Adam: How did you get here? What failures, setbacks or challenges have been most instrumental to your growth?
Patti: There have been so many setbacks and failures along the way. Most people would look at me and say I should be further along on the branding side, but producing takes a lot of time and I'm not only the talent I am the producer who created the concepts from soup to nuts. When I was first approached to do a reality show in the really days of reality, which was pretty much 13 yrs ago. I had many different contracts at various different networks such as ABC, only to be cancelled at the last minute because the president was fired. This is standard in our industry when one person who is at the helm leaves the regime often the deals on the table can fall apart. It took many tries to get, not only the show right, but to the right network as I am forever grateful to Bravo for putting me on the map, but it was not smooth nor easy and every time my agent told me I'll never get a show because the idea had been out there too long, I'd say wait watch and learn because as far as I was concerned Valentine's Day came every year and nobody was leading the love brigade and it eventually paid off. I think one of the messages I received was never give up and don’t listen to other people when you know you have an ideal that will help the world.
Adam: What is the single best piece of advice you have ever received?
Patti: There's going to be a lot of people that tell you that you can't do what you want to do or achieve your dreams, but only you know that. Nobody else. The minute you start listening to other people you lose your window to achieve. It's best to keep everything to yourself.
Adam: What is your best advice when it comes to dating?
Patti: My advice when you're young is to date until you mate, meaning go out as much as you can and see what fits - use matchmakers, online, friends and family. Hobbies and travel are a great way to connect.
As you age, you lose patience, and with divorce, kids and life you don’t want to settle, so you need someone to screen for you, as it’s time consuming. You are no longer willing to settle because you don’t have the time. That’s why matchmakers really are your best option, as we give you exactly what you want. Rich or poor, there is a matchmaker for everyone - or you can read my book and become your own matchmaker and do it yourself.
Adam: Where should and shouldn't we go on dates?
Patti: Dates should never be in places in the beginning that you have too much eye candy competition and are noisy. You want all eyes on you and to hear what your date is saying.
Adam: How do you believe dating apps have impacted the game? How do you see dating down the road?
Patti: The dating apps have been good and bad. On one hand there is too many choices so people get dating ADD, but on the other hand you could meet someone for the first time in history who you would have never met before. The problem is it’s all lumped together, so it’s like dating in the subway.
In the future, artificial intelligence with dating coaches as your own personal guide will screen for you, so as to not waste your time, but the algorithm has been really horrible. Until app owners make users say who they are with information, it’s like a box of cracker jacks: you don’t know what the prize is and you have no concrete information other than a horrible photo to base it on.
I also see niche apps based on income, hobbies, exclusive social clubs, etc. becoming the new frontier. Like a country club online. Those in your station will be able to date the same. Looks will still rule but the market value will need to go up to keep users' attention, and that is information about yourself a user can verify.
Women are tired of dating down, so they aren’t the majority online and that has been an issue. The app owners need to get in the business of caring about their patrons and find love like the matchmakers do, or it will crash at some point.
Adam: What is your best advice for those searching for the one?
Patti: When you are searching for the one, stop! Search for what feels right to you. Meaning perfection is a long game to hell. Stay present and be open but let God surprise you, as that person may not be your total wish list. I tell my clients on a date to check themselves to see how they feel, and does that person's company take your mind off your troubles. Do they make you laugh? Do you feel sexy and young? Add sexual chemistry and values to that, and that’s a match that will last.
Adam: What are your three best business tips?
1. Don’t micromanage but run a tight ship.
2. Always research everything before making decisions.
3. Listen to your gut - it is your guidance system telling you the truth.
Adam: In your experience, what are the defining qualities of an effective leader? How can leaders and aspiring leaders take their leadership skills to the next level?
Patti: I think one of the defining qualities of a leader is to never forget where you came from. I was once a personal assistant, just like everybody else working my way up the ranks and I knew that any day it could be taken away from me, so I wasn’t above rolling my sleeves up to show my staff or my crew what we had to do to get things done in a timely fashion. Also, I think having an open door policy and letting people come to you without fear with great ideas is a sign of leadership. I worked for many entrepreneurs in my previous years who lead with fear and I loathed and despised them for it. I like to lead with love.
Adam: What are your hobbies and how have they shaped you?
Patti: My first hobby and love was photography. It was my minor in college, which shaped me to become a producer. And then cooking is my true love. If I wasn't a producer, I'd be a chef.
Adam: What is one thing everyone should be doing to pay it forward?
Patti: Mentoring and shadowing, but not to the point where it comes full on exhaustion. Each person has to nourish the other.