Make Them Feel: Interview with New York Times Bestselling Author Tosca Lee
I recently went one on one with New York Times bestselling author Tosca Lee.
Adam: Thanks again for taking the time to share your advice. First things first, though, I am sure readers would love to learn more about you. How did you get here? What experiences, failures, setbacks, or challenges have been most instrumental to your growth?
Tosca: I got here through a decades-long winding road with a lot of detours. Now, I can see how each and every one of those experiences—while not writing-related—has contributed to my career today as a bestselling author.
As a kid, I used to make up stories and even win writing contests. But I never envisioned writing as something I wanted to do when I grew up because I had my sights set on becoming a professional ballerina. I devoted my early life to the pursuit of this goal and thankfully had parents willing to support and haul me all over for lessons and auditions, but things changed for me when I was injured as a teenager. Recovery set me back nearly a year and it was time to consider that life as a professional dancer might not be in the cards.
So I went off to college with the idea of going into business or broadcasting. That first year I went home for spring break and had a conversation with my dad—a business management professor—that would change the course of my life. I was telling him about one of my all-time favorite books and how a great novel is a lot like a roller coaster with its twists and turns and loops. And I blurted out: “I think I’d like to write a book.”
I was supposed to spend that summer working as a bank teller for the second summer in a row—a job I wasn’t very good at. But that day, my dad issued me a challenge. He told me he would pay me what I would have made working at the bank if I wrote my first novel that summer, working on it full-time, eight hours a day just like a job.
Never mind that I was supposed to go to Oxford to study economics for the first month of the summer or the fact that no one had told me two months wasn’t enough time to research and write a sweeping epic historical novel about the Neolithic people of Stonehenge.
So I did it.
Granted, I was clueless. I remember sitting down to write it thinking, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
(Between you and me, I still feel that way a lot. Every novel, in fact.)
When I finished and could hold the ream of printed paper that was my novel in my hands, I thought, “This is it! Now I’ll get this published.”
I did everything wrong. I sent a 23-page synopsis (do not do this—one or two pages is standard) along with my proposal to a high-powered New York literary agent and, months later, received a letter that my plot lacked tension and my characters were two-dimensional.
At the very end of the letter, however, the poor unfortunate reader of the agency’s slush pile who had at least written me a personal letter back, said it reminded her of Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean Auel. As it turns out, Clan of the Cave Bear had been one of my favorite novels. That single sentence gave me the encouragement to carry on and try again.
That first book never got published—nor does it deserve to be. But somewhere between graduation and taking a job writing for Smart Computing magazine fresh out of college, I wrote another. And then another that I thought might actually have a chance. After many tries, I finally landed an agent (who I think took pity on me more than anything) and, after a few more years, my novel found a publisher. They signed me for a three-contract deal in 2006.
Did I wish the process would have happened faster for me? If you’d asked me then, the answer would’ve definitely been “yes.” But looking back—heck no. That first novel was so bad it would’ve tanked my career before it had even started. I learned a lot about the industry, writing, and myself along the way.
Adam: In your experience, what are the keys to effective storytelling and writing? What can anyone do to become a better communicator?
Tosca: Story is about journey and emotion. If you want to be a great communicator—of any kind—tell stories. People don’t really want to be told things. They want to be moved.
I spent eight years in my meandering journey working as a leadership consultant. I traveled the world, speaking, teaching, and coaching Global 500 companies. (That is one of those detours I referred to at the beginning.) Stories—painted in vivid detail about real people like you and I—are the best way to communicate nearly any principle, whether it be employee or customer engagement, harnessing our strengths for world-class performance, the power of positivity… or simply sharing information.
Maya Angelou famously said “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
That truth applies to every aspect of life.
For almost thirty years, I have referred back to the advice I received from a coach I hired while preparing to compete for the title of Mrs. United States 1998. (Yes, that was another of the winding detours I took—someone said I ought to enter my local pageant and I, having had absolutely no experience doing anything like it before, shrugged and decided to give it a go.)
I used his advice to place first runner-up at the national pageant that year, but I have used it repeatedly since in my writing and speaking career since. In the pageant, the coaching centered on the dreaded on-stage question—the question contestants are asked if they are fortunate enough to land in the pageant’s top 10. His words to me were this: listen to the question, form a picture of the question’s situation in your mind, and respond not to the question by thinking, but to the image emotionally. Why? Because when you think on the spot, you look to the side. Your expression flattens. But when you respond emotionally—with passion, joy, humor, whatever—it’s something those listening to you can feel.
The secret is simple: make them feel.
Adam: What is your creative process? What advice do you have for others on how to best access their creativity?
Tosca: My process, before marrying a farmer and single father of four and becoming an instant farm wife and mom, was to procrastinate until panic set in, write until the wee hours, sleep until noon, and repeat. These days, it’s to work during the day as fast and as well as I can. I try to write without going back to edit—time enough for that later. It’s more important to get everything down and get to the end. If you write novels, as I do, and want to make a career out of this, you have to be able to finish—again, and again, and again.
But that is how I do it. When I teach on writing, I’m very specific that every would-be writer or creative needs to work the way they work best. Whether it’s late at night or early morning. In a social setting or alone. To music or silence. With a plot or by the seat of their pants. In long marathon sessions or in short bursts. The secret is to work along the grain of your natural preferences and tendencies and not against them just because someone said, “this is how I do it.” So half the work is figuring out what works best for you.
I personally am not a very disciplined person and I don’t multi-task well. I tend to work immersively at one thing with intense focus for hours and days at a time. That’s how I write. My dad wrote his academic books this way also, so who knows—maybe it runs in the family. But I have many friends who juggle two or more stories at a time, editing one in the morning and writing the other in the afternoon.
I also like to create as though what I’m working on will never see the light of day. I call it my Number #1 Rule of Writing and it is this: write like no one will ever read it—even if you’re hoping to get published. Even if this is the 20th book you’ve written on contract for a big New York publisher. For this very special and sacred time, this project is protected and yours alone and you can be bold in your creative choices.
Adam: What do you believe are the defining qualities of an effective leader?
Tosca: Selflessness, service, and a great ability to recognize and empower the talents of others.
Adam: How can leaders and aspiring leaders take their leadership skills to the next level?
Tosca: Any leader—any person—can always benefit from an introspective deep dive to remember their “why” and by reflecting on how they can continue to maximize their natural strengths. Also, by continuing to seek out talent and surrounding themselves with world-class individuals who are strong where they are not, by listening often, always continuing to learn, and taking time to daydream.
Adam: What are your three best tips applicable to entrepreneurs, executives, and civic leaders?
Tosca:
Regularly spend real, in-person time with the people you or your company serve. Spend this time listening.
Feed yourself emotionally, spiritually (and physically). Care for your health and regularly restock your creative well with things that cause you to reflect, re-energize, and ideate.
Attack your mission of service with passion and fun ingenuity.
Adam: What are your best tips for fellow writers?
Tosca: Read often. Find writing friends and companions for the journey. Ask questions, share what you’ve learned, and applaud others’ successes, even when you envy them; writing success is not a zero-sum game.
Develop a philosophy about rejection. I don’t say “develop a thick skin” because if you don’t already have one, you’re not likely to suddenly grow one. But realize that not every book or article or story or essay is for every reader. Only listen to criticism by those who really, really know the genre and market you’re writing for, or when you hear a common theme in feedback across a variety of sources. And remember that when people are vitriolic or outright mean about your writing that it says far more about what’s going on with them than it does about your work.
Adam: What is the single best piece of advice you have ever received?
Tosca: Have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point? Writing is hard—a commitment of months and sometimes years or a lifetime. It’s always work. But if you’re not discovering the fun or finding moments of flow, or giggling maniacally to yourself every now and then, it’s time to do something else.
Adam: Is there anything else you would like to share?
Tosca: I am extremely grateful to get to write novels and entertain people and cart them away from the real world for an hour or two at a time. It is a true honor.
Adam Mendler is the CEO of The Veloz Group, where he co-founded and oversees ventures across a wide variety of industries. Adam is also the creator and host of the business and leadership podcast Thirty Minute Mentors, where he goes one on one with America's most successful people - Fortune 500 CEOs, founders of household name companies, Hall of Fame and Olympic gold medal winning athletes, political and military leaders - for intimate half-hour conversations each week. Adam has written extensively on leadership, management, entrepreneurship, marketing and sales, having authored over 70 articles published in major media outlets including Forbes, Inc. and HuffPost, and has conducted more than 500 one on one interviews with America’s top leaders through his collective media projects. A top leadership speaker, Adam draws upon his insights building and leading businesses and interviewing hundreds of America's top leaders as a top keynote speaker to businesses, universities and non-profit organizations.
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